About four years ago, a friend of mine mentioned the difference between being nice and being kind in her interview for joining the instructional technology team. I used “nice” and “kind” interchangeably until that moment. However, I’ve since learned there is a distinct difference between the two, and I work hard to be kind over nice. In this post, I’ll share two articles that define kind and nice from philosophical and research-based perspectives. Then I will provide some tips on how to work towards kindness.
According to Jessica Stillman in “Want to Be a Great Leader? Stop Being Nice and Start Being Kind:”
“Kindness and niceness are in conflict sometimes. Telling a flailing employee they’re flailing with the aim of helping them improve isn’t very nice. But it is kind….Being chipper can even be actively unkind if your positivity is directed toward someone who is suffering and obliges the other party to hide their true feelings in the name of niceness (this is called toxic positivity).”
In Mahfuz Ahmed’s “Research explains the big difference between kind and nice. One has a bigger impact on success,” he states:
“Kind leadership is defined by our research as creating a culture of taking concrete action to help others, addressing a person’s need, regardless of tone, and giving permission for real success and failure. Niceness, by contrast, typically centers on pleasing others and being polite so as not to offend.”
When looking at both pieces, kindness is defined as showing concern for others’ welfare and acting to help them while being nice is more about avoiding conflict or causing offense. This is a point of frustration for me as well as an area where I struggle. I aim to be kind. That means I will be straightforward when it comes to feedback and what I am thinking. The struggle happens when in my efforts to be honest on a professional level, I discount feelings unintentionally.
On the flip side, some people will try to avoid hurting feelings rather than doing the kind thing by having a difficult conversation or providing necessary feedback. In an instance like this, being nice is shortsighted. While avoiding the immediate result of hurt feelings, it fails to address actual issues and can lead to resentment or anger when behaviors do not change. Also, in my experience, this approach can be incredibly passive-aggressive or lead to the toxic positivity mentioned by Stillman.
Please understand, I do not believe being nice is necessarily bad. Offering to help someone by opening a door or paying a compliment on something they achieved is great. However, I do believe if that is all one ever does, it can be superficial and lack depth. On the other hand, kindness can lead to deeper and more meaningful relationships, foster a positive work culture, and improve someone’s overall well-being.
Working towards being kind rather than just nice:
- BE GENUINE: Kindness comes from the heart, not from a desire to be liked or accepted. Authenticity fosters trust and builds stronger connections as opposed to operating in passive-aggressive terms.
- BE EMPATHETIC: Kindness takes a moment to see the world through another’s eyes to understand their perspective. Empathy is a powerful tool for building rapport and improving communication while creating a safe and welcoming space for others to open up and share.
- BE PRUDENT: Kindness requires forethought because unlike niceness it encompasses a long-term view. Past experience is helpful when handling a situation sensibly such as in difficult conversations or being honest when asked for feedback.
- BE RESPECTFUL: Kindness is about treating others with respect and dignity. Address concerns diplomatically with the person who is responsible for the issue. Additionally, honor all feelings of individuals by providing a healthy outlet and avoiding toxic positivity.
- BE PATIENT: Kindness takes time and effort, but it is worth it. Don’t give up on being kind even if it doesn’t come naturally at first. Like any skill, kindness takes practice. Also, extending grace to those working on being kind is vital for us all to be better at it.
Being kind is a crucial quality that impacts lives (hopefully for the better). I want my children to understand how kind actions, even if in opposition to nice behaviors, serve them better in the end. I want them ready to participate in difficult conversations while keeping their self-worth intact. I want them to communicate authentically with others to build strong relationships. I want them to value the perspective of others. I want them to work at being kind.
For all these reasons, I stopped telling my kids to be nice. I make it a point to encourage them to BE KIND.
Today’s tea: A favorite – Harney & Son’s Hot Cinnamon Sunset (Also known as Hot Cinnamon Spice)
An Educational Cup of Tea 
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